Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
