Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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