I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
