We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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