i wish starbucks made bloody marys
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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