Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
