i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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