so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
