I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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