I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
This can only be settled by a dance off.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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