3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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