Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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