He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls