I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him