So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
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Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
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My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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