Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
