I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
