The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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