is your mom at the bar?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
