umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
