This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
