if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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