All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
