Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
