I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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