peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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