oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Randomize
