Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
