oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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