kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
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I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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