I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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