alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
