Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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