my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no you cant smoke seaweed
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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