I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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