Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
