your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
