I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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