YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
