So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
