Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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