So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
