I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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