i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
