Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
