And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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