Soap is not a condiment
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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