my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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