I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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