i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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