I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
