Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
