My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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