Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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