Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
