Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
