I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
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they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️