My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
