The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
